Guest blogger: The Secret Referee

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December 1, 2013 by Will

Today’s blog is an exciting moment for Sideways Looker.  After weeks of in-depth negotiations, we’re very excited to announce that a top referee will be writing on occasion for this blog – bringing anecdote, comment and red-hot football gossip to these pages.  Without further ado, here is – The Secret Referee.

The Secret Referee writes: The Confidence Game

I was at a very exclusive function last week, and while I can’t go into details (obviously – a lot of very powerful and important men are relying on my discretion) it was the sort of function where the cocktail sausages come with a small bowl of dipping mash.  Can’t get posher than that.  The only problem was cleaning your fingers afterwards.  I looked at the other guests for guidance on this but everyone there (mostly FA representatives) possessed handkerchiefs as part of their usual garb (three-piece suit and wingtips), and I only have my cards, which when I’m not in uniform, I pop in an inside pocket, always with the red on the inside so I don’t get it out by accident.  Obviously some refs have the red card in a different pocket, but that’s for wimps – and when I’m not in uniform I don’t tend to have enough pockets once you include my wallet, phone, whistle etc.

Anyway the conversations everyone were having seemed to be very high-level, which was obviously to be expected at an event as hush-hush and high-powered as this one, and quite often when I tried to join in with conversations the people involved would turn their backs on me, such was the secrecy and importance of their discourse, which I obviously understood completely.  In the end though I did get into conversation with a very smart gentleman who showed the appropriate politeness to someone of my importance.  I did think he was a bit eccentric as he was holding a silver tray, which as accessories go is odd, even in this day and age.  But he was obviously very smart and eventually he asked me a question I get asked a lot, which is: “How do you keep control on the football pitch with all those jumped-up players?” – often the person asking will sound quite incredulous, which is only normal I think as it’s such an amazing thing to be able to do.

I told him what I tell everyone which is that there’s no two ways about it – self-confidence got me where I am today, and it’s self-confidence in my decisions on the football field which allow me to put in the impressive displays that are befitting of the stature of my role.  “Even the way I blow my whistle is important”, I told this young man – getting my whistle out and holding it aloft to emphasise my point – “the lips must be moist, the chest arching outwards, eyes fixed firmly on the middle distance signifying my complete confidence in the judgement I am about to bestow, and the blast, when it comes, must be forceful and even, and last for just long enough to dispel any lingering suspicions about the gravity and assurance of my judgement”.  I then demonstrated for my new friend to show that I have a sense of humour, and he looked a bit startled but nonetheless impressed, and it was clear that we would have had a long and enjoyable chat had he not had to go, as he was ‘needed in the kitchen’, probably for some especially private and important discussion.

So overall I would say that if you want to get ahead, it’s not really about whether you are wrong, it’s whether you believe you are, and if you never believe you are wrong then that is sort of the equivalent of never being wrong, which makes complete sense if you think about it.  Which I never do, of course, because that would be believing that I might be wrong.  If you don’t understand this, then it’s ok, because you haven’t been to refereeing school and if it was possible to be a referee without being taught these sort of things, then everyone would do it, wouldn’t they?

The Secret Referee will be returning from time-to-time, with more analysis and comment from the heart of the beautiful game.  To avoid missing out on his exclusive insight, subscribe to or follow Sideways Looker using the tools to the top right of this article.