Cause for celebration with England’s World Cup draw

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December 9, 2013 by Will

It’s in our nature here at Sideways Looker to be a bit cynical at times about football.  This is because football is essentially the most glorious, pompous manifestation of opportunistic capitalism the world has ever seen.  A perfect visual metaphor for the sport would probably be a carnival, in which a never-ending cavalcade of balding orange men in eye-wateringly expensive suits power-walk through a tunnel of noise and streamers to the strains of Zadok the Priest.  But it’s also the case that football is often really, really good.  The prospect of a World Cup in Brazil next year is a great example of a time when this will be the case, and England’s cracking draw only makes things seem even better.

For the uninitiated, England recently discovered the three teams they would be playing in the group stages what is arguably the world’s biggest sporting competition, and only one, Costa Rica, has yet to win a World Cup.  The groups were decided in the OFFICIAL WORLD CUP DRAW!!!, a150-hour family-friendly beano in which a stunning model fired numbered balls out of her cleavage for a pop-eyed Geoff Hurst to assemble into designated groups.  (A slight exaggeration, but give it 12 years.)  Also joining England in Group D are Uruguay, a team with mouth-watering attacking flair which includes lightbulb inventor Edinson Cavani and all-round affable cannibal Luis Suarez, and Italy, who boast the loveable children’s entertainer Mario Balotelli.

I mean, we all want England to do well, but how awesome is that?  Come on.  Even Costa Rica have a young side who beat the USA in qualifying and will hopefully gloss over defensive deficiencies with attacking vim.  It’ll be great – at least two bottom-clenchingly tense games against big sides.  That’s hardly a guarantee for us at major tournaments these days.

Still not convinced?  Just think for a moment about the reality of the last World Cup ‘adventure’ that England were involved in.  In a far easier group, England’s toughest fixture was first up, against the USA.  A perfect start – an early goal that I didn’t see thanks to ITV’s decision to cut to commercials three minutes in – was undone by a mind-numbingly embarrassing goal through Rob Green’s slip.  This match was followed by one of the worst matches I have ever seen – a goalless draw with Algeria, before we squeezed uninspiringly past Slovenia.  The whole group campaign yielded two goals, one of which lots of people didn’t even see.

It’s hard not to believe that playing supposedly ‘weaker’ teams in the group stage seems to freeze England.  This usually happens because millions of deluded fans, journalists and everyone else starts looking at the potential last-16 possibilities before the tournament has actually begun, and talking about the importance of finishing top of the group in order to, say, not lose 4-1 to Germany.  This won’t happen this time.  Since the last World Cup, a well-overdue shift in perceptions has taken place, and England are now seen as a sort of second tier team – not awful, but not really expected to do anything…  A bit like Ajax, or Stoke.  (Try finding another blog that equates Ajax with Stoke.  Go on, dare you.)

As mentioned in previous blogs, I am a Chelsea fan, and co-Looker John is a Sunderland fan.  Sometimes when we talk about football together, I have to gently explain about some concepts he isn’t familiar with, like the ‘top ten’, ‘cup finals’, and ‘winning’.  Our different perspectives mean I selfishly and gluttonishly desire trophies and get sulky if we lose to Stoke.  For John, beating Chelsea in the league is much more satisfying than vice versa, and probably more so after he’s read this paragraph.  Look – the point is, England might bloody someone’s nose in Group D.  We might not get through, but if we play with freedom and just miss out, no-one will be especially shocked or let down, and there will still be a cracking summer of football to enjoy.